Managed to get completely distracted by television and have managed to consume a litre of previously mentioned bad wine. Although, I don't think it is as bad as I made out (but I'm not exactly an expert in this area).

Anyway, I digress. Back on to the subject of boys. Or should that be guys? I think perhaps guys is a better term as it seems to sit between boys and men - I hope I've progressed beyond boys although I don't really have any experience of men, at least not the traditional definition of men. Or maybe 'men' don't really exist ? - I'm starting to believe that might possibly be the case.

I'm just going to get all this stuff down as otherwise procrastination will mean this will be another half finished blog entry.

I think part of my problem is thinking too much about a situation and also being completely indecisive to a point of ridiculousness. A case in point is Vet's brother. I had an irrational crush on him last summer that i talked myself out of because he was Vet's brother (emphasis on younger) and I didn't want things to get weird. On top of this, I seem to have this self-destructive pattern that involves having a panic attack when anyone shows absolutely any inkling of interest in me and run away. What makes this behaviour even worse is the fact that I'm not always strong enough to completely run away, I engage with someone and then freak. I'd like to think I've got a bit better in that I'm not a complete prick tease. I think it's a combination of a lack of self-worth mixed with not knowing what I want.

I'm like a whore for the attention but if there is too much I don't know what to do with it? I rarely completely click with someone, I don't think i can remember the last time I was completely bowled over by someone. I worry that I expect too much but then at the same time what's the point of settling for something that you don't completely want?

Hence the protracting process of getting involved, getting scared and running away (or more accurately screening phone calls). However, what's even more pathetic is there's a tiny voice that is actually questioning my interpretation of events and that my freaking out is completely redundant as the person concerned might not even be interested anyway.

Argh, my brain is working overtime and is just driving me nuts. As for Vet's brother, he's now all loved up with someone else (happened when i was on holiday in Devon no less). Not that I have a problem with that, he's my friend and I'm happy for him. The logical part of my brain is trying to counteract the irrational part that is mildly jealous.

On top of this situation, another male friend who I've met up with recently after a while of communicating via e-mail etc. is back in the picture. I love him to pieces but I'm not exactly sure where I stand with him sometimes. I get the impression that maybe he is attracted to me but I'm not sure, and to be honest it is a minefield that I don't really want to get into. But then at the same time, if i don't pursue things then I get frustrated with myself for missing a potential opportunity. It's not like I can ask him outright as then I'd have to deal with the fallout - I could have completely mis-read the signals which would make our friendship awkward or the flipside is that he does like me and then I have to work out if I want to pursue something. Either way, the friendship as it stands is irrevocably changed.

As pointed out by monky, it's a case of more doing and less thinking. However, it's easier said than done especially as my sub-concious seems to be determined over the last couple of weeks to dig up all my past digressions and mistakes and make me re-live them again, albeit in a slightly different format.

I guess that it almost doesn't matter how many 'fresh' starts you give yourself, you are still the same person and you are taking the same emotional and mental baggage whereever you go. I'm worried that I'm going backwards slightly and that I might be heading back to the mess that I was, and it embarrasses and upsets me to remember how bad I was and some of the pathetic and cringworthy things I did/I've done.

It is now ridiculously late, and I'm suppose to be going to ice-skating practise tomorrow so I think it's time to pass out.